The Role of Challenge in Positive Parenting
Some educators
believe that depriving children of challenge is a way to protect them from
harm, evil, or disappointment. But this belief is a serious mistake, because
such deprivation blocks a person’s ability to strengthen the self and
personality, weakens resilience and abilities, and makes the individual
fragile—easily broken by any shock, test, or fluctuation of life.
Positive Parenting and Building the Self
Perhaps the
first lesson on the importance of challenge in building a strong self comes from the human body
itself: muscles do not form or grow strong except through the challenge of
rigorous training; without it, they remain soft, flabby, and weak.
Positive
parenting views challenge as a necessity for building a healthy personality,
free from distortions, and for achieving resilience in the face of hardships
and shocks. It is an educational approach that focuses on guidance through
teaching and encouragement rather than violence, blame, reprimand, punishment,
or harsh criticism. One of its most prominent features is motivating the
individual to discover hidden and buried abilities and to summon them when
dealing with shocks, challenges, goals, and purposes. Accordingly, this
approach sees the individual as possessing inherent capabilities and latent
potentials—potentials that resemble vaults requiring keys to unlock what lies
within them.
Some
psychological studies suggest that a set of techniques may be important to use
in positive parenting, foremost among them motivation. This motivation is
achieved by praising positive behaviors and encouraging the individual to
discover the self and talents through various methods, including trial and
error. This aligns with the findings of the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler
(d. 1937), who emphasized that positive parenting plays an important role in
preventing future psychological problems and that such parenting is among the
causes of growth and flourishing.
On the other
hand, positive parenting resists overprotection. Such protection disrupts
educational balance and has severely harmful consequences for personality
development. Studies indicate that children who are excessively protected by
their parents and caregivers possess fewer life-coping skills, and that they
may suffer from anxiety and tension and face recurring problems in their lives.
Research shows that excessive protection can lead to anxiety and low
self-esteem.
Recent studies
also indicate that young people whose parents excessively intervene in their
affairs often struggle to defend themselves and face higher rates of anxiety
and depression. Among the features of such overprotection are constant
monitoring of the child or youth, weakening the spirit of independence,
fostering dependency on parents in most affairs and relationships, parents
planning the child’s future and forcing them into choices and paths they did
not help shape, may not desire, and may even run contrary to their wishes.
Another feature is cultivating fear in the child or youth of every new
experience, choice, or path—where fear becomes a permanent psychological
obstacle in this type of overprotective upbringing.
Challenge and Positive Parenting
Resorting to
challenge as a mechanism and motivator in positive parenting provides an outlet
for many of the problems of overprotective parenting and a means to build
strong personalities capable of facing shocks, dealing with risks, and
navigating life’s fluctuations. Here we recall Jalal al-Din Rumi’s saying on
the necessity of facing challenge rather than fleeing from it: “Your fleeing
from what pains you will only cause you more pain. Do not flee—feel the pain
until you are healed.” Challenge is like a skilled sculptor who reshapes the
personality and gives it its mature, distinctive features.
According to
the American psychologist Emmy Werner (d. 2017), whose research focused on the
role of challenge and risk in personality development, challenge offers a new
lens through which human strength can be seen. She presented strength-based
ideas and perspectives for building personality and spent nearly 40 years
studying children from deprived families. Her studies concluded that 30% of
them became remarkably outstanding and surpassed their peers.
Werner pointed
to a subtle but crucial point: that this success came from within them—from
their own will. These individuals decided that their suffering and tragedy
would not affect them and that they would not allow it to become an obstacle in
their lives. Thus, restructuring a person’s relationship with reality in a
positive way is essential, so that challenge can be viewed as an opportunity
for self-development rather than an obstacle upon which dreams are shattered.
There is also
research in psychology that goes beyond merely addressing the ability to face
shocks and hardships, to addressing the transition into success. This is
discussed by Dr. Amy Cuddy, a psychologist and professor at Harvard University,
in her book Presence. She argues that a person should focus on
self-evaluation while facing challenge before worrying about how others see
them, because that is what truly strengthens them.
She says: “If
we adopt behaviors that reflect power and strength, we free ourselves from the
fears and doubts that hold us back.” She affirmed that neuroscience has shown
our brains’ ability to create new neural cells at any age, which means it is
possible to form new patterns of thinking and to strengthen neural cells in the
human brain and improve their connections—thereby enhancing self-confidence.
As for Carol
Dweck, the renowned professor at Stanford University, she spoke about the
“growth mindset” and presented evidence proving that we are capable of
developing our personalities and talents through sincere belief in our ability
to do so. Thus, overcoming challenge does not come from denying it or ignoring
it, but from preparing to overcome and transcend it, and from placing challenge
in its true perspective. Challenge does not mean impossibility; it means the
ability to respond and move beyond.
The Islamic
perspective rejects passivity and weakness in the face of life and affirms the
necessity of confronting challenge with strength. It has granted us a great
concept that reinforces human resolve in facing challenge: seeking help from
the Creator, exalted and majestic, and believing that matters unfold by divine
decree, and that the believer should not weaken, but rather draw strength and
support from the Creator to overcome challenges and shocks.
In the hadith
narrated by Imam Muslim, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “A believer who is strong (and healthy) is better and
dearer to Allah than the weak believer, but there is goodness in both of them.
Be keen on what benefits you and seek help from Allah, and do not give up. If
anything afflicts you do not say, ‘If I had done such and such things, such and
such would have happened.’ But say, ‘Allah decrees and what He wills He does,’
for (the utterance) ‘If I had’ provides an opening for the deeds of the devil.”
Read Also:
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Islamic Parenting Precedent for Modern Practices
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5 Daily Activities to Support Your Child Emotionally and Mentally
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4 Parenting Errors distance you from your child
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